With Good Reason

It's been over a month since my last post, but I promise this time it is with good reason. Shortly after my last post, Jeff and I found out that we were pregnant with our sweet baby #2! We were excited, of course, but I was scared and very anxious about the possibility of morning sickness as I was very sick with Lucy all day, every day for 10 straight weeks. My days were spent eating, fighting fatigue to keep up with housework, and starting some Christmas fun with our busy bee. Oh, and sleeping. I did a lot of extra sleeping. But no sickness, praise the Lord for that! Christmas came and went in one giant wrapping paper, 2-year-old excitement, princess extravaganza. It was crazy, it was loud, and it was fun watching Lucy finally grasp the concept of Christmas and verbalize that it's Jesus' birthday. What a blessing her little mind is!

I will spare you the details, but a few days ago I was experiencing some problems so I called the doctor and went in to see our precious baby's heartbeat. I was told everything looked normal and good but to call if there were any more problems. I woke up the next morning with some faint cramping and I knew we were about to face one of our biggest challenges as a family. We quickly packed a few things, called the doctor from the driveway, and started our longest trip ever to Columbia. As my cramping worsened on the way, all I could do was pray and ask God to please take care of our sweet little one. I prayed that he (I was sure from the beginning this precious child is a boy) would find my grandmother and Jeff's grandmother and his two cousins who were also lost shortly after conception. All I could do was pray and repeat Job 1:21 over and over- "And he said, 'Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will return. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.'"

The doctor's office was as busy as I've ever seen it and all I could think as I was looking at those pregnant bellies was, "that's supposed to be me". I was finally called back and could immediately see on the ultrasound machine that there was no longer a baby or a heartbeat. My fears were confirmed and I was sent next door to the hospital for surgery. I can't describe the sadness, fear, and loneliness as I put on that hospital gown.

As I woke up from surgery and remembered how much our lives had changed that morning, I just felt empty. A mother's worse fear is losing her child and although we had only known this one for 8 weeks and 3 days, he was still a part of our family and I just can't fathom what to do without him; I'm not sure how to proceed. I know that life will return to normal and by the grace of God we will get through this but right now I'm struggling to remember life before him- before the cravings and the sleeping and the excitement of the little miracle growing inside of me and most of all the memories yet to be made.

I am so thankful for all of the sweet friends who have called and texted over the past few days. I am grateful for all of the prayers. I do feel all of them and just ask that you would continue to pray for our hurting family especially as we try to explain this to Lucy. She was so excited about her baby sister (she was certain we were having a girl) and it was difficult enough to explain having a baby to our 2 year old, but now to explain this will be even more challenging, especially when we don't fully understand it ourselves.

I am grateful for the scripture that my Facebook friends have posted as their statuses the past couple of days. I am certain that the Lord gave you that scripture for me because each time I have checked for status updates, perfect words from our Father have spoken to my heart and reminded me of his love and goodness.

And to my sweet baby boy (I'm sorry if you are actually a girl. I would be thrilled either way but I can only picture you as a boy),

Please know that your mommy, daddy, and big sister love you so much and we can't wait to meet you one day. You will always be our baby #2,; our perfect child, because you are now whole and perfect in every way. Please give your Nana some love from all of us and introduce her to your Memaw because I think they would be great friends. Let them spoil you and love you enough for all of us. Have fun with your cousins and know that you are the only 3 Rohrlack/Pruitt children who will never experience the time-out chair.

I am certain that mommies learn just as much from their children as their children learn from them, and you sweet one, have taught me some things in the short time that we have spent together. You have given me hope that I can be pregnant without being sick, you have shown me that I can love another child as much as I love your sister because I just didn't think it was possible, and you have helped me find strength that I never knew I had.

We love you sweet boy and one day we will hold you forever.